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Aug. 18th, 2009

So take care of what you ask of me, 'cause I can't say no.

So.. I don't even know, I'm begining to think I should stop listening to peoples advice. Because all it does is stress me out. Don't say this because you'll push him away. Don't do that because he might not like it. Don't call, don't text, Ignore him. Smother him. Forget him. Move on. If it's real he'll fight for you.

I'm also begining to think I shouldn't listen to myself either. Don't do that! he doesn't like that. Well if he doesn't call it means he doesn't want to talk to me, if he doesn't text it means he's too busy to care. Maybe if you act like a bitch he'll realize that something is wrong. Wait until this day to see if things change. Wait till that day to talk to him. Maybe he still loves her. Maybe the rumors about him and this person are true. Maybe what Jason said was true.

Either way. I'm fucked.

What sets me apart from anyone else to him? Nothing. He treats other girls the same as he treats me. I barely even know him. I mean of course I know him. But I don't know anything deeper than the surface. I don't know anything more about him then Jason, or Rabbit, or even Acie knows. I get no special treatment. I get nothing. I get no recognition that I've done better. I got more attention when I was calling him eighty times a day. I've tried being clingy, I've tried being distant. And nothing changes. For one hour of sweetness, I get two days of either nothing, or asshole. I'm not sure which one I prefure.
I really don't feel like he's in this like I am. And the way he talks, it's like he's expecting someone else to come along any day now. I don't feel like a priority. Sure, he comes down, granted. He comes down a lot. But how much of it is actually spent with me? and not on the computer, or sleeping. How much of that time is spent actually talking to me and not spent staring at a computer screen, or a TV screen, or at the back of his eyelids. He's here, but half the time it doesn't feel like. Okay, he loves me, then why can't he act like it more than once a week. Why can't I feel important more than I do. Why is it so hard to tell me things? Why is it so hard to lie to me and tell me theres no one better? Why is it so difficult to act like we arent gonna break up. Why do you have to talk about things you're going to have when you're single.
I don't want to doubt it anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm just filling in for someone else. Or that I'm just someone he's killing time with.

I don't need that much.. I don't really think I'm asking for much. I would just like to feel stable. To feel loved. To feel like I matter for more than five minutes.
Even mom noticed..
Everyones noticed..

But it doesn't matter anyway.
No matter how unhappy I am or how unhappy I end up.
He's air.

and it's not like I can stop breathing.

Feb. 10th, 2009


Batch number two!

16.17. 18.

Feb. 9th, 2009


This is the first batch I've made.
More to come I'm sure.


Oct. 22nd, 2008


This started out as a one shot comic idea.

But i don't have the skills yet to draw it out so I decided to write it out as a story.

It's still a work in progress but here's about half of it.


A steady clicking echoed off of the cobblestone walls. A young girl walked next to a man draped in a black hooded cloak that drug the ground behind him. She clung to his hand, still dressed in a nightgown; they made their way to an unknown destination. The hall way was dark and wet. They were somewhere underground but she didn't know where.

The skeletal hands holding torches to the wall scared her and she walked closer to the man.
"Jonathen, where are we going?" she asked the man.

"Don't worry about that child, you're safe right now." He replied.

She trusted him and she tried to walk tall and not to be afraid, the man laughed. A few steps after her newfound independence an animal ran across her feet, in that instant she lost all the bravery she had the moment before.

The man laughed again and put his arms around her, "It's alright, it was only a rat. Nothing will harm you while I am here."

She looked up at him and smiled, "I know Jonathen," She said, "It only startled me, nothing so small can scare me!" she poked her chest out with pride and walked a few steps before him. He let out a loud chuckle.

Once they turned the corner she saw and monstrous wooden door, bigger than anything she had ever seen before.

It stood twenty feet high and was made of the finest wood, and the engravings were painted red and gold.

There was a snake almost the size of the entire door engraved on it, a cobra, rearing its head, teeth bared, large red gems glinted where its eyes would have been.

There was writing all around it, but she couldn't make it out, seemed to be in a foreign language, she thought.

"I don't like this place, Jonathen." She said as he walked past her and took a deep breath before rapping on the door three times, each time making her jump.

After a few seconds of a silence so solid, you could hear it the door cracked, then began to open. The wood groaned and the hinges creaked. She squinted when the light from inside hit her eyes. The room was very brightly lit, once her eyes adjusted she could see red and gold colors glinting off the walls, reflecting on what looked like columns with cushions and arms at the top of them. White marbles with their cracks laced with gold. The girl had never seen so much gold in all her life.

There were columns behind columns behind columns, each row a little higher than the one before it.

A woman got up from the single center column and walked towards the man, the girl stood behind him looking at the woman. She was very tall and thin, with fiery red hair that shot out in all directions all the ends meeting at the small of her back. Her dress had the same snake from the door, only this time it coiled itself around her body, its embroidered head rested on her shoulder. The girl noticed something strange about the woman's eyes, they were like the snakes eyes, but sideways, she had seen the man's eyes do this before, at the time, he had said he was hungry and that's what happened when he needed to eat.

The man pulled his hood away from his face, he was young, with a very triangular face, his eyes were normal, the girl noted, but his ear length hair which was usually white, shone silver. The girl decided it was because of the lighting.

"Hello Jonathen, I see you have brought the girl as you promised," the woman said, addressing the man in a voice that suggested she was superior to him.
"I have, this was very hard to do, they've kept a closer eye on her since the last time I took her" Said the man looking down at the girl sympathetically.

"You shouldn't take her to so many places, Jonathen, it isn't safe" Said the woman sternly.

"I can't just leave her in that room to rot, I'm her only companion. It's my duty as her guardian to take care of her," the man said defensively.

"She's an orphan, Jonathen, no one cares if she sees the light of day and neither should you" the woman turned with a smile, "I don't think you'll have to worry about that much longer, brother."

The man looked puzzled for a moment, "Damn it, Sumaria, You said you weren't going to hurt her" the man said putting his arm in front of the girl.

"I've changed my mind, you were always such a fool, your clan has a shortage of food, her blood is still pure, one drink of her wrist could hold us for a month," the woman said sitting down on her perch.

"Then have your fill, but leave her life. She's all I have left of this god forsaken world, for god sake she's my daughter!"






DUN DUN DUN DUN! Yeah I might change that last bit... too over dramatic if you ask me.

That's all for now. Probably more tomorrow.if i have the modivation.

Oct. 6th, 2008

Miss Lucy.

Miss Lucy had some leeches
Her leeches liked to suck
And when they drank up all her blood she didn't give a ...
Funny when the doctors
Had locked her in her cell
Miss Lucy screamed all night that they should go to bloody ...
Hello to the surgeon
With scalpel old and blunt
He'll tie you to the table then he'll mutilate your ...
Come it's nearly teatime
The lunatics arrive
The keepers bleed them all until there's no one left a ...
Lively little rodents
Are eaten up by cats
We're subject to experiments like laboratory ...
Rats I've dropped a teacup
How easily they break
I'm on my hands and knees until I pay for my mis-
Take off all your clothing
We've only just begun
We have no anesthesia
It's eighteen forty
One thing we should tell you
Before you try again
The tests are all invented by a lot of filthy ...
Mentally hysteric
She's failed the exam
Don't bother telling Lucy for she doesn't give a ...
Damn that nitrous oxide
For when you can't escape
They say the surgeons oft commit a murder or a ...
Razor-blades are rusty
And not a lot of fun
So when they try to amputate your legs you'd better ...
Run and fetch the chemist
A patient's feeling sad
She's been in chains for ages and she isn't even ...
Madness is a nuicanse
And no one is immune
Your sister, mum or daughter may become a raving ...
Lunatics are dangerous
And doctors are obeyed
They also go together just like toast and marma-
Ladies are like children
With brains the size of squirrels
Lets give clitori..omies to all the little ...
Girls are helpless treasures
That daddies must protect
So lie upon the table for the doctors to in-
Speculums are super
And stirrups all the rage
So spread a lady's legs then put her back into her ...
Cage of naked crazies
The surgeon's here to bleed
The doctors all are learned men and some can even ...
Reading can be risky
For women on the verge
It only did us worlds of good to poison, leech and ...
Purging is a penance
Phlebotomy's a chore
No need to sterilize the tools we never did be-
Fore the night is over
Before you go to bed
They'll take a hammer and a nail and jam it in your ...
Headstones in the courtyard
And statues in the park
Are not for the insane
Just leave them rotting in the D A R K
Dark, dark, dark, dark, dark

Jul. 6th, 2008

(no subject)

So, This is an update since I haven't been on in months.
I've obtained myself a wondeful boyfriend. Not exactly sure how I managed that, but I did.
His name is Tim, He's very sweet, slightly immature, but he's working on it. We've been together five months, and we're still happy together. Which is more than I can say for most of my friends.
I'm working in a chinese resterant. And starting at a coffee shop this week (wish me luck). My sister has moved back in after breaking up with her boyfriend and is sleeping in my room on my bed, We survive. But I have a tendency of elbowing her in the face.
Other than that there isn't much to update on.

So g'night!

Jan. 26th, 2008

Arguement and response 2


"realistically" is not a useful word here, as "alive" isn't a definite concept in this instance. If you take the biological meaning of alive as an absolute, you're killing hundreds of thousands of bacteria every moment even if you think you're sitting still. Why are humans more important than bacteria? Well, we have "souls", whatever those are. Some people believe that animals have souls too, or some animals do. This seems more believable the more defined the nervous system of those animals is. People frequently believe their dog has a soul, much fewer believe the ants in their backyard have souls. Worms have more hearts than we do, are they more alive? Hummingbirds' hearts beat faster than ours do, are they more alive?

So in trying to mark the distinction between a lifeless zygote and a living proto-human, how much nervous system do you need? First month, the ectoderm that is going to become the nervous system separates itself, fourth month, the electrical framework for the muscles is ready, seventh month, a recognizable brain that could understand stimuli and form basic responses to it? Maybe it's about a year after they're born, when the brain folds and consciousness is possible?

It's a very confusing question for me. Right now I'm saying until the sixth month when it can survive on it's own, it's a part of the woman's body...but even that is incomplete. If someone punches a pregnant woman I want them tried for murder, not maiming. I need to keep searching for a satisfactory answer.


Okay, so... I've come to the conclusion, that you're an idiot.

We're talking about HUMAN children, not hummingbirds or worms. Excuse me if I fail to believe that an unborn child's life is as insignificant as a worm. And if the word "alive" isn't the word I should be using, what would you prefer? Functioning?
The point is, that if our hearts aren't beating then we are inanimate ie. NOT ALIVE. Lifeless, deceased.
Our heart beats show that we still exist, so is it to say that a child, even unborn, with a separate heart beat from it's mother, because it doesn't feed itself, move on it's own, or can't comprehend words, is nonexistent? Co-existent yes, but still as significant as the one carrying it.

"If someone punches a pregnant woman I want them tried for murder, not maiming."
You contradicted almost everything you said with that sentence.
Think more before you try to prove people wrong.

Response to response:

I acknowledged the contradiction in the sentence.

Things are alive when they respire. Your skin cells respire. Are you a murderer when you scratch yourself? I used worms and hummingbirds to show other organisms with heartbeats that are not more important than humans despite more evidence of heartbeats, your defining characteristic of life.

Freaking idiot,

Jan. 15th, 2008

distracted monkeys


I don't know what to feel anymore.
Suddenly hatred and disdain faded, and now i just miss him... I found him today, Just to make myself believe that it was real. Not just some dream I had. They had a picture of him in the archives, and since I found it I haven't been able to close the page, he looks so weird, almost inhuman. that can't be the person I knew. But I never really knew him after all.
I dunno.. I almost want to see him, a picture isn't enough, I still can't help but feel bad for him despite it all. It's fucking with my head. Everything just happened so fast. It's almost like it didn't happen at all. It's all so blurry by now, everything that happened. I still remember his voice, when he first left I was so terrified that I would forget it. Now i wish I could. I still have everything that he gave me, or everything i meant to give to him. The painting, the drawing. The poem I wrote that was inspired by him. Not for him exactly just in his honer. People say I can't let go of it because of what we did. But I rarely think about it. I mean I know it happened, but really I'm no different, it wasn't a big deal. It was to me at the time, and I suppose I regret it a lot. But the fact that it happened isn't what bugs me. It was my reasoning. Which was flawed anytime I was around him.

I dunno. There were just so many good times, good feelings, conversations, moments where i wanted to stay like that for the rest of my life.
Just... So much emotion and.. well life tied into him. Time that I wont get back.
how quickly I changed once he was gone, it's astounding. My attitude changed, my views changed. everything changed. I changed so much for him, I suppose it makes sense that I change a little if he isn't around.
I hate to think that I wasn't the only one, but sometimes it comforts me to think I'm not the only idiot in the world. That someone else fell for his fake sincerity. that convincing self loathing that just made you want to help him, no matter how much damage it did to your own life.

But maybe I was the only one. Thats probably for the best.


Jan. 14th, 2008

Fuck the what. Seriously?

The arguement.

1. V is a vampire. The movie might as well be called 'V for Vampire'. What is a vampire, a true vampire? A true vampire is a being that is not quite human, has unusual powers, has an affinity for beauty, hides in the shadows, and discretely kills people. V has mutant powers (super strength, super reflexes, great intelligence, and disease immunity; there is also some similarity here with the X-men), has an affinity for beauty, hides in the shadows, and discretely kills people. And his name is 'V'. He is a vampire if there ever was one.

2. The movie 'V for Vendetta' is hypocritical. On one hand, it is about a fascist regime. On the other hand, these same fascists are anti-muslim. At one point the koran was said to have 'beautiful writing'. That so-called 'beautiful writing' supports evils that make the norsefire party look tame by comparison. A truly evil regime would more likely support islam.

3. Guy Fawkes (who was captured on the 5th of November) was not a freedom fighter. He and his co-conspirators were catholic partisans that were trying to destroy the protestant government so as to install a catholic government. They were similar to the sunnis and shi'ites that kill eachother in Iraq.

4. I admire V's elegant prose, fashion sense, anonymity, fighting skills, strategic mind, choice of victims (fascists), and the fact that he is not a pacifist. The only problem though is that V's mask is kind of annoying. I have certain beliefs and political ideals, and I wonder what the beliefs and political ideals of the other V fans are.

I am an atheist materialist, a mostly-genetic determinist, a polyamorist, support abortion rights, support suicide/euthanasia rights, oppose censorship of nudity/sex/violence, support the war against Al-Qaida and other jihadists in Iraq and Afghanistan/Pakistan, support youth rights, support animal welfare, oppose socialist programs and nanny-state policies, and oppose people that take vastly more wealth than they create (like CEOs and professional sports players).

The response:

I must agree with most of what everyone said.
For one, Vampirism is cool. But if you're going to look at it realistically... No offense but you probably need to check your medication.
V is not a vampire because he wears nice things and is a lurker.
If you want to go by the original meaning of vampire then V is a demon taking the body of the dead and feeding on villagers in eastern europe. and if you want to go into the Serbian meaning V is a woman who exploits her lover. Is that ever portrayed in V For Vendetta? Didn't think so. Very few films portray vampires for what they really are.

Secondly, ANY strict government bent on forming their people into scared, obedient droids are going to be anti-anything that they, 1. don't understand. 2. fear as a threat. They were christians. Have you ever met a true, "god fearing" holier then thou christian? Any religion other then their one is wrong, anyone who has seperate beliefs then the one that have been pounded into our heads for centuries is a devil-worshiper, or possessed by satan. I've never read the Koran but am very interested. If we are to condemn the Koran because of horrifying images, who are we to condone the bible, or any other religious peice of literature.
Every religion has a brutal past, who are we to decide what is too unbearable?

Thirdly. V's mask is NOT annoying, it is elegant, and fitting.

Fourthly. Pro-abortion? Seriously? So does that mean you condone partial abortion as well? If so then you must be someone who believes that a baby is not alive untill it takes it's first breathe. but realistically that is not what shows that we as humans are alive. it is our pulse, or rather, heartbeat that shows that we are alive.
So is it to say that a unborn child that is eight months along, fully developed, heartbeat and all. doesn't have the right to take that first breath? but should have it's brain sucked through a tube.
That makes sense.

Are you a Bush supporter or something?


Keylime Pie.

Is it just me or is the Star Wars theme song totally boss?
I rock out the the thing all the damn time. John Williams truly is a genius.

I've been really happy lately. Which is a good contrast to the depression i had for the whole of last year. very bright and shiny. I could get used to it very easily. I do tend to get depressed at night close to when i go to sleep. but it's not enough to keep me unhappy.
I'm hoping it stays like this for a while.

I think the Dizzy spells are partly dehydration. partly anxiety, even though I've been trying extremely hard not to stress myself out so much. It's working for the most part, but a few things still slip through the wall. Which is fine. As long as I don't overload again. I don't think I could handle another breakdown right now.

I'm a little anxious to see what the nurologist is going to say about everything. If Kim ever gets off her ass and signs me up on her medicaid. Otherwise I might never know whats wrong with me. I could have brain cancer and die at 19 and be wondering why. Ah well. I'm sure it isn't too serious. Not like we don't have enough medical bills already with all of mom's health problems. We'll live I suppose.

I saw Juno the other day. T'was boss. Notice the usage of boss. Went with Jenna, Melissa, and Annie. Had the most amazing time, ever.

I really want to watch Star Wars. I've had this jones for Star Wars for a few days. Especially Episode l: The Phantom Menace. The movie is awesome. I don't like attack of the clones so much. Too dramatic in my opinion. Ani has too many problems. XD If i wanted to watch people drama I'd talk to any of my friends for all hours of the day. Not to say I don't love them with all my heart. But damn. They are fucking dramatic. I laugh when they turn around and call ME a drama queen. It's amusing to say the least. I've been playing the Episode l game. I still love the thing. Had it since i was ten. Still haven't beat it. XD I suck at video games.


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