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August 2009

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August 18th, 2009

So take care of what you ask of me, 'cause I can't say no.

So.. I don't even know, I'm begining to think I should stop listening to peoples advice. Because all it does is stress me out. Don't say this because you'll push him away. Don't do that because he might not like it. Don't call, don't text, Ignore him. Smother him. Forget him. Move on. If it's real he'll fight for you.

I'm also begining to think I shouldn't listen to myself either. Don't do that! he doesn't like that. Well if he doesn't call it means he doesn't want to talk to me, if he doesn't text it means he's too busy to care. Maybe if you act like a bitch he'll realize that something is wrong. Wait until this day to see if things change. Wait till that day to talk to him. Maybe he still loves her. Maybe the rumors about him and this person are true. Maybe what Jason said was true.

Either way. I'm fucked.

What sets me apart from anyone else to him? Nothing. He treats other girls the same as he treats me. I barely even know him. I mean of course I know him. But I don't know anything deeper than the surface. I don't know anything more about him then Jason, or Rabbit, or even Acie knows. I get no special treatment. I get nothing. I get no recognition that I've done better. I got more attention when I was calling him eighty times a day. I've tried being clingy, I've tried being distant. And nothing changes. For one hour of sweetness, I get two days of either nothing, or asshole. I'm not sure which one I prefure.
I really don't feel like he's in this like I am. And the way he talks, it's like he's expecting someone else to come along any day now. I don't feel like a priority. Sure, he comes down, granted. He comes down a lot. But how much of it is actually spent with me? and not on the computer, or sleeping. How much of that time is spent actually talking to me and not spent staring at a computer screen, or a TV screen, or at the back of his eyelids. He's here, but half the time it doesn't feel like. Okay, he loves me, then why can't he act like it more than once a week. Why can't I feel important more than I do. Why is it so hard to tell me things? Why is it so hard to lie to me and tell me theres no one better? Why is it so difficult to act like we arent gonna break up. Why do you have to talk about things you're going to have when you're single.
I don't want to doubt it anymore. I don't want to cry anymore. I don't want to feel like I'm just filling in for someone else. Or that I'm just someone he's killing time with.

I don't need that much.. I don't really think I'm asking for much. I would just like to feel stable. To feel loved. To feel like I matter for more than five minutes.
Even mom noticed..
Everyones noticed..

But it doesn't matter anyway.
No matter how unhappy I am or how unhappy I end up.
He's air.

and it's not like I can stop breathing.